I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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