He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
