I cannot find my penis.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
