Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
