I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
