I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
