Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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