do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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