don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize