I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
