I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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