I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
