Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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