I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
