Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
