Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize