Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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