it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
