Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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