cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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