you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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