wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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