I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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