so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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