paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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