i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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