so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
