So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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