the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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