this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
