I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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