happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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