just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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