Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
