i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
