why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
