I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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