I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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