Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
