Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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