when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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