awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
