Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
