Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
