We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
