worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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