Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
