My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize