There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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