I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
