So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize