I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
