Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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