good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
