Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
