Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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