I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
