God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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