I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
