So drunk its hurt
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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