i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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