yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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