What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
