We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize