The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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