Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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