When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
