i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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