I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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