I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
